I AM KOREAN AMERICAN

Own Words

I was born in Seoul, Korea. I was found on the doorstop of a Korean family with a note pinned to my blanket. My Korean birth mother placed me in a basket with only my name 지나. The family that found me had their youngest daughter and her new American husband adopt me and moved us to America. Once we moved to the states she was unable to properly care for me and relinquished her parental rights. Later, an American family adopted me and loved and cared for me as their own. I could not be more blessed; however, I grew up with a feeling of not quite belonging and being ashamed of being Asian. I am a survivor. I don’t complain about my past or dwell on it, and I’ve refused to consider myself a victim; however, the scars from my childhood have marked my heart and the scar tissue often bound me tightly and kept me from realizing my full potential.  

I spent my life pursuing higher education, sports and spirituality. During my doctoral program, my advisor strongly recommended that I write my first year research paper on Korean American adoptees. I agreed. I approached it as a research paper. I met other adoptees at various conferences. I kept myself at a distance. I wasn’t ready to reach out with my heart. After I left my doctoral program I wasn’t sure what to do with my life. After some time, I saw an ad to teach in Korea. I thought, “Why not?” It all fell into place quite quickly and smoothly. I decided to go. Before moving to Korea, my life wasn’t working for me and I was opening my heart to something new and answering questions that I had never been able to answer–along that road I decided I wanted to find my birth mother. I cannot find her. I’ve lived in Korea for almost 2 years. It was literally the last place on earth I wanted to visit. It hasn’t always been easy to live her. Sometimes, I felt like I was “trying” to be Korean, but a wise person, told me, “Gina, you’re not Korean. You are not completely American. Just be who God made you to be.” I’ve taken her advice. As Korean American adoptees we are so special. Another adoptee pointed out that we’re really lucky to be alive. 

I am sad to report that I have not found my birth mother. Sometimes, I look into the eyes of Korean women in their late 50’s or 60’s and wonder, “Are you my mother?” I get a bit weepy/emotional when Korean people ask me if I’ve found my birth mother. I don’t know why it makes me a little tender or a little sad. Anyway, Korean people have been so kind and generous with me. Overall my experience in Korea has been positive and I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s life. I don’t want to be anyone else. I love being a Korean American adoptee. Korea has opened my heart and my mind.